The Mommy Tsunami

I have been writing for more than 1/2 a year.  Well, truth been told, I’ve been writing for almost my whole life.  I am 33.  That’s a lot of years.  But, I have not consistently been someone updating my blog (depending on what you consider consistent)…or even someone with a consistent personality or steady life online.

However, in the last couple of weeks, I’ve been doing a bunch of self-reflection…who am I?  Why am  I here (here online), and how can I make my life and my FUTURE better?

Maybe I’ve struck my own personal chord.  Maybe I’ve finally reached my limit of lack of direction.  I feel good.  I feel like I know where I am going, or at least where I am heading…I am heading towards happiness.

On this journey, I am joyful for those that have encourage me prior to this clarity and for those who are supporting me now…

Some of this support is through BLOG AWARDS that I have recently been…well, awarded.

From The Princess Jenn, most recently…

The aims of this award:
• As a dedication for those who love blogging activity and love to encourage friendships through blogging.
• To seek the reasons why we all love blogging!

Here are the rules of the award:
• Put the award in one post as soon as you receive it.
• Don’t forget to mention the person who gives you the award.
• Answer the award’s question by writing the reason why you love blogging.
• Tag and distribute the award to as many people as you like.
• Don’t forget to notify the award receivers and put their links in your post.

Ahhhhh…The Princess Jenn.  At one point in my life, the larger than life personality with whom I was afraid to enter into a tiny chat convo. A host of the Blog Her At Home event this past summer, at which I discovered some of besties and at which I discovered so much more about myself.  I was home, a mom, a chick and ALONE.  But, after meeting the most amazing women EVAH, I am no longer alone.  And also more confident online AND IRL.  Thank you, Princess Jenn, for being there for just BEING.

Why do I love blogging? Because I love words. Because I love to write. Because in some way I guess I am an exhibitionist of life. Because I want someone to validate my existence. Because I am afraid of being alone. Because I have found so much camaraderie here on the web, yo. Because on here, I am The Mommy FCUKING Tsunami.  And that’s the coolest I’ve ever been.

To whom I bestow the honor of this award: I do not bestow easily.
@MasMom of JadedPerspective. Because I don’t know too many people that are as honest and open about their life as is she.
@MochaDad of MochaDad. Because I envy his consistency and his social activism in making blogging a tool for making a better life.  At least, that’s what he is to me.  He is an inspiration of positivity.

From @KnowMeLoveME from Chantelligence.com

“This award is bestowed on to blogs that are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers.

Deliver this award to eight some bloggers who must choose eight some more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award.”

Those who deserve the friend award:
@PrincessJenn of Princess Prose. Because this woman is amazing.  Brazenly honest, truly a woman of integrity.  I am honored to know her.
@dadunmasked from DadUnmasked. Because this dude is cool as shit.  He really just is himself and is there when you *ahem, I* need him.

From Angelia_t and PaciGraveyard

Honest Scrappers Blog

Here’s how it works: 1. Present this award to 7 some others whose blogs you find brilliant in content and/or design or those who have encouraged you. 2. Tell those people they’ve been awarded the HONEST SCRAP AWARD and inform them of these guidelines in receiving the award. 3. Share “10 honest things” about yourself.

Oh. crap. Here we go…TEN HONEST THINGS ABOUT MYSELF…

1.  I have spent a lot of my life worrying about what other people think about me.  The other day, a co-worker of mine stated that after he figured out how much of his life he spent commuting, that he realized he had spent 1 FULL month of his life in his car (out of the last two years).  Yeah.  It sucks.  But, I could probably do the same formula to figure out that I’ve done the same thing with worrying.  But, no longer.

2.  I desperately want to be a leader.  I don’t mean president, or a manager, or an administrator or ANYTHING like that…I mean  a social activist.  An inspiration.  A visionary.  I. love. the. underdog.  One day I will champion a cause.

3.  I have a hard time believing I am special. To anyone.  Minus my children.  I know that I matter to them because they were made in my womb.  That makes me the bomb, hands down…at least to them.

4.  I want to be in LOVE.  Real, real love.  I think I know I have a soulmate.

5.  I’ve never had a huge circle of friends (girlfriends).  At least until now.  Until twitter and blogging.  And I’m not ashamed of that.  Because I am the most myself with you all and the most I’ve been accepted since…well, since I can remember.

6.  I rock the boat.  Too much sometimes.  That can cause a HUGE issue for me, with work relationships and especially AUTHORITY  *cough, bosses, cough*.

7.  I don’t have great follow through.  I KNOW!  So HARD to BELIEVE!  <end sarcasm />

8.  I spend a lot of time worrying about failing.

9.  I am writing more every day/week/month.  I am currently TRYING to write a screenplay and I have an idea for a book. It’s hot.  Trust me.  And I think I’ll Nia Vardalos the screenplay and just play the lead role myself.

10.  I am the creator of Intentional Happiness 365.  It’s been a complete week as of right now. And, I kid you not, it’s WORKING.

AWARDED TO…
@TheRealBecks from Life Out of Focus. She’s REALLY hot.  Like…wait a minute…DAMN! She’s been awarded this already!
@SWilderTaylor of Baby On Bored. Ok.  This woman doesn’t even KNOW that I exist.  But I find her to be amazing.  BRUTALLY honest.  Honestly funny.  She also has twins (which makes her have a superwomb, like me) and cracks jokes about having 84 children (much like I do also).  Anyway, she’s cool.  Her stories show that she’s not afraid of being metaphorically naked in front of her audience.  And I like writers that aren’t afraid of nudity. Did I mention she probably has NO IDEA that I exist? But, that’s cool.  She influences me.
@angelia_t from Mommy Needs Meds. DAMMIT!!  She’s been awarded this also.  However, she’s honest about her life and what she deals with on a daily basis.  Okay.  She blogs when she can.  But WHEN she blogs…watch out! *wink, wink*

And I’m out.

“It isn’t what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about.” –Dale Carnegie

My intentional happiness pursuit is all in the ‘tude.  Forget that the average day is…well, average…How mundane is the mundane? Of course the average day is average! And if I thought about that, if I choose to dwell on that, well,  I will live a life of quiet desperation.  Instead, I choose to live a life of loud happiness.  At least for these 365 days.  And, hopefully the choice will become ingrained in my DNA and will no longer be a choice but a way of life.

Today is a completely average day.  Ugh.  But I am choosing happiness.  Despite the blah weather, grey skies, empty mall, hungry stomach… Actually it’s kind of funny if you think about it… 

Laughter.  I know that laughter is going to play a huge part in my year of happiness.  

I’ve also found, through discussing my current journey with a friend, this website. http://tv.philosophersnotes.com/28/the-how-of-happiness-episode-2

I hope you enjoy this! I’ll be checking in later.

LOVE & HAPPINESS, because I CHOOSE it!!!

My life has been crazy. CUH-RA-ZEE to say the least, in the last month or two…up and down. Side to side. Boat rocking, jet lagging life experiences. So, now I choose happiness. Not just today, but EVERY DAY. For at least a year. Hey, to make something part of your character, you must first make it part of your habits. To make something a habit…practice it, practice it, practice it…

Today, I CHOOSE HAPPY.

My boss is freaked out. Most of my colleagues are freaked out. I am on day one of my journey; it is early morning. Come hell or high water, I am creating my happiness, even if it is out of nothingness. Because I can. Because I will. Because I deserve it. And because what could be more exciting than a journey of happiness?

I think some people think “SOMETHING IS UP.” I think some people think a long existed but never disussed multiple personality has shown up.

You know what?

The only thing that has shown up in my life…at least on PURPOSE…is happiness. Because it is my choice.

More LATAH…

2:12 pm- still smiling. People asking a lot of questions. Yes, I am striving to be intentionally happy. Every day. For the next 365 days. No, I do not know what that is going to look like right now. I don’t know if it’s going to be easy. I do know that I’m excited for the ride. I do know for the first time in a long time I am actually looking forward to THIS moment, and not the END of this moment. Or the end of the journey. I’m ready to sit back and enjoy the ride.

I have recently become very interested in law school.  It started with a casual conversation with a co-worker that had decided to retake the LSATs for his admission to law school next fall.

It was innocent enough.  He had no idea the can of worms he was opening.  He didn’t know that I had dreamed of being a lawyer when I was eight, that I would tell all my relatives at family parties that I would be a supreme court justice, that my amazing career in law would lead me to be the first woman president…WHAT??? It’s true.  I was that bold.

And so, he also had no idea that his taking the LSATs would inspire awaken feed the monster in me that lives off of competition and success. Especially in the intellectual arena.  I mean, hey…some people can throw a perfect spiral 70 yards down the field…I can study and pass tests…and argue mad points with insightful support and examples…

So, yesterday, I spent the day at the University of Chicago. After taking a train to Hyde Park, I arrived at the Admissions office excited to just be on campus.  There is always an energy that I can feel when ideas are being generated, spoken, argued, counter-argued–yes, I’m a geek and I’ll stop now–and the energy on this campus was palpable.  I was sent to a first year class–Elements of the Law.  And despite being directed to the wrong class at the right time (I walked into a class almost a full 1/2 hour after it began), I was truly directed to the RIGHT class at the RIGHT time.  The teacher was dynamic.  The students…well maybe still a little young…but I was sitting near a couple of thirty year olds and I’m glad, because at the end of class they STAYED and spoke with me about what they liked about their classes, their professors, the campus and the school over other school options.

Hyde Park itself is a drastic contrast of rich and poor, haves and have nots. But it is also a place of acceptance, ideas, revolution and accomplishment.  The campus itself has a contrast of old and new architecture and despite being in an urban setting, it had a quality of peace and tranquility.

I have a personal passion again.  I don’t know how long it’s been since that has happened.  I know, I have kids, and I love being their mother.  But long before their births, I was a person.  With dreams and passions and hopes and…well, part of her is back.

Part of that woman was lost long ago.  But, maybe, just maybe…she was only in hibernation.

And her mothership is calling her home.

Hi. I’ve been gone awhile. My life is changing. Quite drastically, I might add. But for tonight, I just had to write. I HAD to WRITE. And THIS came out… enjoy…

YOU

remind me of the possibilities of what never was

and yet what could be

you cause me to recollect days when days would never end

when dreams would never end

when love would never end

and because of you these thoughts will never end

you mention that love is a battlefield and your scars are wounds too deep to forget

i want to help you forget

because you help me to remember that i am capable of existing

that love is capable of existing

that hope is capable of existing

yet you are tentative

and to this i will be sensitive

but still have faith

because despite your tentative

i am representative of love deferred

not to be argumentative but my interests you’ve spurred

we sit

we read our favorite poets and words slip off our tongues

falling from lips to ears

as if whispered over pillows and nothingness

and i can only imagine that we are not the only two people sharing this moment

i don’t want to be the only two people sharing this moment

yet despite being surrounded by people no one else is sharing this moment

without touching me your words caresses every hurt every wound every ache away

your eyes look deeper into my nothingness than anyone has ever looked

they were afraid to look

i would not let them look

the still of my soul as you stir it comforts me

and i am reminded of the possibilities of what never was

and yet what could be

I received this meme request from Leigh’s Blog and finally remembered to do it.  I’m not passing it on, but you are welcome to share your answers with us.  Just because I don’t want anyone to feel obligated and/or feel like they’ve disappointed ME like I KNOW I had to have disappointed Leigh!

1. Where is your cell phone? bed
2. Your hair? short
3. Your mother? crazy
4. Your father? funny
5. Your favorite food? cheese
6. Your dream last night? looney
7. Your favorite drink? tea
8. Your dream/goal? happiness
9. What room are you in? bedroom
10. Your hobby? writing
11. Your fear? alone
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? upward
13. Where were you last night? Home
14. Something you aren’t? alone
15. Muffins? pumpkin
16. Wish list item? desktop
17. Where did you grow up? Chicago
18. Last thing you did? ate
19. What are you wearing? sweats
20. Your TV? expensive
21. Your pets? nonexistent
22. Your friends? few
23. Your life? busy
24. Your mood? melancholic
25. Missing someone? Yes
26. Vehicle? suburban
27. Something you’re not wearing? bra
28. Your favorite store? apple
29. Your favorite color? rainbow
30. When was the last time you laughed? now
31. Last time you cried? morning
32. Your best friend? Lana
33. One place that I go over and over? work
34. One person who emails me regularly? Mom
35. Favorite place to eat? Sushi

Received a phone call within four hours of emailing the letter.  Unfortunately, I could not answer the phone because I was conducting an interview… He let me know I could call him back during the next day because he’d be available and in his office all day.  Great!

Then… I also received an email.  From the principal. Apologizing. It was kind of amazing, and if I thought it’d be okay, I’d insert it here…but I don’t want to get in any trouble. So, I’m leaving it at: she apologized.

Now, what do I do next?

Do I leave Joey in the current classroom?  The Superintendent said HE’D place HIS child in this teacher’s classroom.  Hands down, first choice.

OR, do I take Joey out of the classroom and move him to another classroom with another teacher?

Flippin’ flack.

HALP.

October 19, 2009

Dr. Dale E. Mitchell

Superintendent

Dear Dr. Mitchell,

I am writing to you today as an extremely concerned parent.  I am the parent of a third grader by the name of Joseph Wilson.  He is, of course, attending Churchill School.  My experiences there, thus far, have not been positive.  I have reached the point where I am requesting my student be removed from his current classroom and  placed in a new classroom so that all parties involved (my son, myself and the teacher) can have a fresh start.

This began somewhat innocently with a letter sent home stating that my son is in the bottom 25th-50th percentile in his class in reading comprehension and fluency.  The letter also stated that he would be removed from his class for small group instruction around these deficiencies and that he would not miss any instruction.  I had huge concerns that any test determined my son had poor comprehension and fluency, as I know this to be incorrect.  I therefore called the teacher, Ms. Wood.  We spoke, I expressed my concerns, she convinced me to give it a week and that she would follow up with a phone call on Friday. I received no call on Friday.  I did,in fact, receive a call on Monday.  It was not the follow up to which we had agreed. In the call, the teacher requested I give it three weeks, that there would be no real way to see if he was misplaced because no one would be scoring his current tests as of yet (someone else besides her does that) and while he was focused, concentrating and showing understanding, three weeks should need to be given to show growth.  As I had explained, I didn’t believe he needed growth, I believed the teacher needed that small group opportunity to see that Joey has both comprehension and fluency.  So, I requested a meeting with her so that I could sit down with her to hear from her what she was seeing in the classroom out of Joey.

Within an hour, I received a phone call from the Principal, Ms. Coffey.  Right off the bat she told me I should just pull my son from the small group instruction if that was what I wanted.  What I wanted was a better understanding of what my son’s performance in the classroom looked like and what evaluations were determining his skill levels as low. Again, she told me I could just pull Joey and that the small group instruction was not needed if I did not want it.  I said fine.  At that point she wanted to know if I still wanted to come meet with the teacher.  I said yes, because AGAIN, I was looking for a better understanding of what my son’s performance in the classroom looked like and what evaluations were determining his skill levels as low. Ms. Coffey said fine, but that she would be there and sitting in on that meeting. I was speechless.

Dr. Mitchell, my experiences with the staff of Churchill have felt aggressive to say the least.  Have I felt put on the defense, yes. It begins with Ms. Coffey telling me that if all she was to deal with was the problems in her school, she might as well get a job selling shoes at Macy’s.  I’m sorry she looks so lowly at the work of retail.  Perhaps Ms Coffey should have looked in Joey’s file before the meeting and she would have known that I work retail.  I have degrees from both Northwestern University and Loyola University, where I received my Master’s of Education Administration and Supervision. However, I am quite happy to focus on my children currently and find no shame in my current line of work.  It’s too bad that your principal at Churchill feels the need to demean this line of work and cannot find a way to align with parents different from her. After that comment from her, I was told by her that I have a chip on my shoulder, that there is something “underlying” that I am not willing to discuss, and that when I am ready, I can come talk to her.  I am not sure where Ms. Coffey learned her interpersonal skills, but after being treated quite aggressively, her demeaning retail comments and her lack of empathy for where I am coming from, no, in fact, I will no longer be going to her to work on my concern’s for Joey’s performance in school.  After my description of Joey’s performance and skills in his current classroom with his current grades, Ms. Wood, the teacher, stated that she was going “slow” and that his current performance was no indication that he would succeed as the year moved on because she was going to pick up the pace and she would not provide assistance as she had been doing throughout the first month of school.  Wow.  This teacher is implying that my son would not be able to keep up.  Also, she showed NO FAITH that I, as Joey’s mother, would be assisting him at home or supporting his development during non-school hours.

Dr. Mitchell, after this meeting, I looked at Churchill’s school report card.  I need to advocate for my son. I am not being unrealistic.  Churchill’s lowest performing students in reading are boys, with only 28% earning a four versus 43% of all girls.  Also, black students are receiving lower scores in reading, with only 14% earning a 4 while 50% of all WHITE students are earning a four.  In the district’s 2009-2014 Strategic Plan, the writer states “The school and home should work together with one primary purpose: to create life-long learners”, as well as”Expectations help set the level of student achievement,” and finally, “The school should provide all students with the opportunities, tools, challenges, and motivation to achieve their potential.”

Dr. Mitchell, the only viable option for success at this point is a change in teachers.  They are learning centers, so I understand I must navigate this home-school relationship with Ms. Coffey.  However, I do not feel that Joey’s classroom placement will make him successful this year.  His teacher has already expressed her lack of faith in his abilities and in his success come her quicker pace of instruction.  Allow Joey to flourish in a less judgmental classroom with a teacher that believes he will succeed based on her expectations, that will set high expectations, that will provide Joey the opportunities, tools, challenges, and motivation to achieve their potential, even if it’s at my request.

Please call me at xxx.xxx.xxxx to further discuss Joey’s new placement.

Sincerely yours,

Angel Geden

Angel Geden

I am in so much pain.  And I am my mother’s daughter, because good goddamn can i make my life look good from the outside.  I can make things look a-ok.  And they are totally NOT.

I am in love with E.  My love story is not bullshit.  But, things are rough.  And when things are rough with E, things are really rough.  Not physically rough.  I’ve been in those relationships before (unfortunately) and I actually think that would be easier.  When things are rough with E, things are emotionally and mentally rough.

I don’t know how to handle it anymore.  I’ve described how we met and how quickly we went from “dating” to “family & home.”  That’s about how quickly we went from lovey-dovey to fighting like cats and dogs.  It didn’t help that his ex came out of the woodwork (yeah…you may have read the post “Prose…Breaking the Barrier”) and that caused all holy hell to be let loose.  We are still suffering the fall out of that, because that planted little mind bombs that go off at times I am unable to predict.  It doesn’t help that the XGF lives in our neighborhood. Or that her daughter and my son are in the same grade.  The two of them have…Who am I kidding, HE has lied to me about talking to her, seeing her (not planned, at the store or something), texting her… She, when I was pregnant, said she thought my baby was supposed to be her baby.  And he wanted to keep her around. “As a friend.” Despite my tears, the pain it caused me.  Knowing that he would spare her the feelings of cutting her off as a friend instead of my feelings of being slighted as the woman of the house.

I type this shit and I can’t believe that I take it, but I do.

Things may go well for a couple of weeks.  I am lulled into believing he is happy.  If ONE thing is off, BAM… “I can’t stand your ass!” “I shoulda left your ass at the bar!” “This shit ain’t gonna work for me!” “I just can’t do this!”

And the new one last night? Looking for an apartment.

I am trying to grow/be better.  He saw the XGF at school when dropping off the Thinker.  Later that day I receive a forwarded email from him. “XGF has sent you a message through Facebook…”

The message was written to me, though. Part of what she wrote?

In my opinion she was right to feel the way she did and you were right to put that distance there for the sake of your relationship with her.  I hope it wont be too awkward if and when I see you all…hope we can put this behind us.

Of course, Eric then proceeded to tell her to lie about seeing him.  I called her. I wanted to hear her tell me she didn’t.  But by then, Eric had given HER the green light to tell me the truth… GIVEN HER??? THE GREEN LIGHT???

I have since spoken with her.  I am trying to help make amends in the whole situation.  I guess I trying to be the “cool gf.” But last night I woke up after dozing off for a couple of hours to them chatting on fb.  And I guess I woke at the end of their convo. I suddenly became anxious. Wanted to know what the chat was about. And it didn’t help that she then typed… “Make sure you clear the chat history…”

WTF!!! I flipped out.  And E hated me for it.  Started looking for apartments.  Refused to talk to me.  Refused to sleep in bed.

I am so sad.  I am so lost.  He told me that my problem is her, so I should take it up with her.  And that I should take him at his word (despite all his previous lies).

So I called her.  I know.  I lost it. And I hung up before she answered, she called back and left a voicemail letting me know that I should call her back if I could and that she’d be up.

It’s too much.  I can’t have a successful relationship with him.  I don’t know if I can at all.  I guess I don’t trust him.  I guess he hurt me too much.  I want him to look at me and say, “I understand why you are hurt, still hurting, and I will wait for you to heal.” But instead he says he can’t stand my ass and that he has had enough.

I’m tired of being on the outside of my own relationship.  I’m tired of him calling the shots on what we can talk about and what we can’t because he’s “done discussing it.”

I need to find the answer to this.  I need to find my strength, myself in this.

I can’t believe that I’m here.  I can’t believe that he doesn’t love me enough to love ME.  As I am. Pain and all.

How do I move forward? Can it be with him?